I Want Candy

I have very few regrets in my life. I’ve learned from most if not all of my mistakes and I can laugh at the one’s I didn’t learn shit from. However, there is one regret that I just can’t shake. I’ve learned and laughed from it, yet it lingers. It haunts me on a reoccurring basis. I wish I could go back and do it all over again.

I forever regret hijacking Jonny Palmer’s gummy worms and hiding them in my crayon box in Mrs. Rufa’s afternoon Kindergarten class. I have zero regrets of the actual theft of those delicious wormies at all (sorry, Jonny.) It’s the choosing of my crayon box as my hiding place that I regret and I regret this for two reasons. First and foremost, it got me caught! Mrs. Rufa was no dummy, she knew exactly where a young, rookie candy thief would conceal her stolen treasures. Duh, Kid Lindsey! Secondly, I regret this choice because we all know how terrible Crayola’s taste. You get some of that waxy residue on a gummy worm and it’s all over, the entire heist was for nothin’! Minutes of cold, calculative plotting fueled by sugar out the window!

I’ve tried to tell myself it’s not my fault. I mean clearly my judgment was clouded by the multiple highs I was on. Between the high-speed joyride I had just taken on the tire swing, the sugar rush I was on from my own gummy worms and the success of the worm-knapping that had just taken place, what five year old wouldn’t crack under pressure when it came to the stashing? Yet still, I am so disappointed in myself. I lost my cool, and that would never happen again.

I’ve replayed that fateful day over and over again and although I cannot go back and change it, I can prevent it from happening again.  I have come up with some useful tips for a great candy heist, tips that any dedicated, candy-loving kindergartener can follow should he or she wish to pull off the ultimate in confection thievery without getting busted.
*To all the five to six year old candy stealers who read my blog, this is for you:
  1. Keep Your Eye On the Prize: It’s good to have goals at such a young age. Never lose sight of your numero uno… CANDY!
  2. Love Thy Neighbor: Make friends with the kid(s) next to you, whether that’s at your desk, your cubby hole or the coat wrack. Get close, but don’t get too close (revert to step 1.) If they trust you, they’ll let you in. This in turn makes the nabbing much easier.
  3. Statutory Pockets: Always wear clothing with multiple pockets. Stashing the candy on your person is a fool-proof way to NEVER get caught.  The multiple pockets are critical as you don’t want bulging candy pockets (dead giveaway!)  Distribute evenly. Also, due to the weirdo teachers who touched kids in “no-no places,” (i.e. teachers with mustaches, minivans, wrinkle-free dockers or velcro shoes) I’m almost 100% positive that teachers aren’t allowed to pat you down.
  4. Eat the Evidence: Eat it right away or savor the flavor and save it for later, totally up to you, Kid. Whatever you do, DO NOT leave the candy in your pockets and let your mom wash your clothes. You’ll be mad, your mom will be mad and the Maytag Man will be really mad.
My little angels, the moral of the story is, don't take candy from strangers, just steal it from your friends.
Happy Hunting, don't fuck up! 

Don't Get Too Comfy

I never get too comfortable with my Ipod, to me that's the equivalent of getting into a relationship and letting myself go, (gasp) I would never. Every week or so she (my Ipod) needs a little refreshing, not an entire facelift, but a little Botox for my playlists if you will. Here’re a handful of the tracks that rejuvenated me and my girl morning, consider it a mini mix to stimulate your swagger. Enjoy!

*Noteworthy: Cudder’s new song featuring Kanye West, Erase Me, was leaked from his new album due September 14th and its downright amazeballs. Also, be on the lookout for Rich Kid Sound System, newbie up and comers from So Flo, they’re pretty rad.
Especially for T-Bag
Mini Mix by littlelindsb
Click to Download This Mini Mix

Live From... The Road

As I drive across the country overdosed on coffee, South Beach bars and bubble yum while simultaneously going bananas from ipod withdraws which I think is directly related to my buns falling asleep, I can't help but notice the amount of time on my hot little hands. So in between trying to find a decent radio station with slight reception, stopping at beef jerky infested truck stops where I fear becoming a human trafficking victim and trying to maintain a mild form of sanity, I am live... from the road! My only form of entertainment has been my little brother, who has gotten himself in way over his head what with a 20 hour drive with yours truly, in a Uhaul nonetheless, and the absolutely ridiculous signage I encounter along the way. Let me paint the picture...

Every city in New Mexico seems to think they are the bee's knees. One called Tucumcari claiming they are the "Gateway to New Mexico." That's a little cocky for a town of 5,989 (nod to Google) and nothing to brag about if you ask me.

About 7 hours outside of Amarillo, TX they begin billboard advertisements for a free 70 oz steak at a place appropriately named The Big Texan (I will try not to go on a rampage about this.) The rules for this are like that of The Great Outdoors' Old 96er circa 1988. You must finish the entire steak, a baked potato and a nice little side salad. If you're successful, your $100 meal fit for a fucking family of grizzlies is free. If you're even considering this, you're probably due for your annual triple bypass and you deserve a swift kick in your giant carnivorous ass!

There's a town called Shamrock, TX who's sign asked me to "Stay and Play Awhile." Well, I stopped there and all they had were two competitive gas stations and a Sonic. What the hell am I supposed to play with, Shamrockians? Unless you've got some sidewalk chalk hidden away somewhere, it looks like I'm playin with myself... so, I stayed for an hour or so.

9 hours to go... Stay tuned.

For My Dear Lacey

To a man I hardly knew, Bill Broyles. Whether you know it or not you have touched my life in a way for which I am eternally grateful. I want to thank you for raising a daughter that I am truly lucky and unequivocally proud to call a best friend. The virtues you have instilled in my friend, Lacey, are nothing less than admirable, nothing short of extraordinary. The amount of love that one tiny girl can give is insatiable and that is no doubt learned by having such an immensely loving father. Bill, you’re a big man, with a huge heart and you have enormous shoes to fill, literally and figuratively. Although Lacey will never be able to literally fill your footwear, she is following in your eminent footsteps. Thank you, Bill Broyles, you have given me a gift that I will forever cherish. You will truly be missed.
To Lacey, I will hold your hand, I will sit in silence, I will listen, I will laugh, I will cry, I will be the friend that you have been to me. I love you with all of my heart. This song is for you and your Daddy.
Gregory and the Hawk-Boats and Birds(Protohype Remix) by littlelindsb
Boats and Birds Download

American Peace

I certainly don’t have the answers to world peace or even American peace, but I do have a few ideas that I think could help this country take a step in the right direction. Take it for what its worth:
  • If Americans would stop chewing Stride gum and start chewing Juicy Fruit, it might just stimulate the economy and allow us to start paying off the national deficit, feed our children and teach them how to read and write.
  • Limit the media to 2 sad stories a day. This ought to help the Law of Positive Attraction pick up momentum. I’ve had enough of these depressing broadcasts. Show me people that have won Publishers Clearing House, or miracle babies, or how you got out of a speeding ticket… I don’t care, just tell me something positive!
  • Each literate American should be required by law to invest in a Bitch Book (stimulus.) Anything you would like to bitch about should be written in this book and kept to yourself! *Note: If you are illiterate, those are grounds to bitch out loud and my Stride gum theory should take care of this unfortunate problem.
  • We should have a 12 year old Chinese exchange student as President. Those kids knew all the answers to everything and they could play a mean violin to boot… and they were TWELVE!
  • If the American government is SO concerned with controlling who can and cannot get married, make an even trade. Legalize Gay marriage and make it illegal for obese people to marry. This takes care of the childhood obesity epidemic as well. That seems fair… two birds!
  • The government should open a drive thru sushi chain. I’d stimulate that place every day!
  • Stop stroking Big Oil’s Johnson all day long. Don’t let those assholes drill in the ocean! We’ve fought other countries over oil… now we are fighting our OWN!?! For real, those fish don’t set up shop on land and shit all over our oxygen just for a buck. Get real BP!
  • Randy Moss and Dante Culpepper were the best pair since peanut butter met jelly and Jared Allen is the sliced bread. Send that Heavenly sandwich to the Kansas City Chiefs. This is my answer to WORLD peace.
  • Pull Nickleback and Justin Bieber off the shelves… nothing good has ever come of either one. All Americans should just stick to the music on my blog. It’s generally happy, upbeat music and everyone needs a little piece of that pie.
American Peace by littlelindsb
Skybox - In a Dream (Hood Rmx) --->Click to DL
Two Door Cinema Club - Something Good Can Work (Ted and Francis Remix) --->Click to DL

Bathroom Confessions?

Dear Jamie Lee Curtis,

I applaud your ability and appreciate your candor to speak freely about your bowel movements (or lack thereof.) However, with all due respect, you do get paid to do so. I have a hard time understanding your audacity to ask other members of the general public to “film themselves taking the Activia Challenge,” especially for no compensation whatsoever, not even a year's supply of the probiotic miracle you endorse.

I would find it a personal struggle to do a commercial for a feminine hygiene product, even more so an embarrassing Valtrex ad, or perhaps an awkward KY commercial; but for the right price, I could most likely be convinced. But Jamie Lee, you are asking innocent, constipated commoners to document their stifling fecal problems for the benefit of a YOGURT company? And for FREE? Really Jamie, really?

And to those few willing participants, if you’re really that impressed with your new-found “freedom,” write a fucking letter for crying out loud!  You're probably irregular because you're stressed out about being a MORON all the time.  Stop taping yourselves in the bathroom!  The toilet is not a confessional, people!  If you think this is your five minutes of fame you're sadly mistaken. Your "five minutes of fame" just made you the laughing stock of the entire, "regular" free world!  I'm embarrassed for you!  Listen, no one gives a shit that you eat some "tasty" yogurt on the daily and now you’re taking deuces left and right… and when I say nobody, I mean NOBODY!   Think about it!

Personally, I prefer my yogurt not to be engineered in a laboratory, probably somewhere in Stockholm, that was most likely tested on animals. Just give me a fucking parfait and call it a day. I’ll go when I have to go and I sure as shit ain’t telling YOU all about it!

Click here to view the REAL clowns who documented their REAL stories


Something Old, Something New

You know how you can look at something a hundred times and it’s always the same, and then one day you look at it and you go “Gee whiz Mister, how did I miss that?” That’s how I feel about this track. About a year ago I rocked it over and over because on its own it’s just freaking good. But just today it played on my Ipod and I got something entirely different out of it. So, it may or may not be new to you, but it’s new to me (again.)

It’s sort of like when you switch from a turkey sandwich to a turkey wrap… the insides are still just as delicious, there’s just something a little different wrapped around it.

Morjac & Fred Falke feat Sarah Tyler - When We're Together