The Kitty Cat Conspiracy

Six months ago my cat, Socks, was murdered. One, beautiful, spring morning in April, Socks went out to play. Weeks went by, spring turning into summer, Socks yet to return. I just thought he was having a lot of fun until finally I came face to face with reality, he wasn’t coming back. Socks the Cat had in fact been murdered. Socks was a good cat, loyal and loving, soft and furry just a like a cat should be. Socks survived nineteen years on these tough suburban streets. Dodging cyclists and minivans, surviving rabid neighborhood children attacks and fending off ferocious poodles, this cat was no pussy. And it’s no accident that he never came home on that cool April day, a day that will forever live in infamy.

I’ve filed a police report and they’ve done little to nothing to pursue the investigation of my cat’s untimely death stating that they “have bigger fish to fry.” Fuckin’ slackers. So, I’ve decided it’s time I take this serious matter into my own hands. I have every intention of punishing the crime syndicate responsible for the death of my feline friend and I’m going to personally inflict fiery justice on Socks’ assailants.

I realize I have no real experience in pursuing merciless revenge but I have a plan. I will probably start taking some sort of mixed martial arts classes after work.  I got a coupon in the mail from the Dojo up the street from my house so I'll just go there. I’m going to need lots of protein bars and some new sneakers too. And I’m definitely going to get myself a mentor, someone to teach me discipline. I’m thinking a rather small, elderly gentleman, one who possesses the qualities of a wizard. I wonder if I could find one online, like a mail-order Mr. Miyagi of sorts? I’ll try Craig’s List.

Anyhoo, when I am fully trained, primed and ready, equipped with a black leotard and pepper spray, I will go into the night to avenge the death of Socks the Cat. I will fight evil men until I get to the asshole responsible for ordering the hit on that beloved furr factory. Socks will finally be able to rest in an eternity of peace that he so richly deserves and I will be able to rest easy at last knowing that justice was served and sweet, sweet vengeance was mine.

Tonight, pour one for my homie, Socks the Cat.

My Totties Are Hotter Than Your Totties

As the autumn leaves begin to turn and fall rapidly approaches, the only thing that gets me more excited than zipping up my new boots up are my piping Hot Totties. I love a Hot Tottie in my hand on a brisk fall day. I love waking up to a nice Hot Tottie on a Saturday’s morn. A Hot Tottie can be enjoyed on a cool day at a football game. Nothing’s more masculine than the testosterone buffet that is football and Hot Totties in your hand. A Hot Tottie partners up nicely with breakfast in bed. A Hot Tottie can be enjoyed snuggled up under a blanket, even with your girlfriend’s parents in the room. Best of all, a Hot Tottie can really put a pep in your step if you’re feeling under the weather. And hey, grab a date! Totties are always best enjoyed in pairs.

If you’d like to try my Hot Totties:

1 half shot Spiced Rum
1 tbsp Honey
1 tbsp Lemon Juice
1 cups Boiling Hot Water
1 Tea Bag

What’s that? My Tottie’s are too hot? Well I’ve never heard that before. Just blow on my Hot Totties, it’ll be fine.

Enjoy my Totties! Cheers!

The Birthday Experiment

My birthday is next week (September 30th) which is good because it means I haven’t done anything stupid enough to stop the birthdays from happening. It’s also good because I happen to love birthdays, what’s not to love? There are usually pancakes involved, I like that the mail I open that day is probably not going to ask me for money but rather give me a little and birthdays are a sure-fire excuse to get hopped up on champagne on your lunch break and proclaim you’re not going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. I always try to do something a little interesting on my birthday each year. This year I think I’m going to get a few dozen prints made, go to Target and put my picture in all of their picture frames, really shake things up in the 5x7 department. We’ll see…

Every year starting on October 2nd I begin thinking about what I’m going to ask for the following year. I think it’s quite considerate of me to provide my loved ones with a list and I deem it necessary to think outside the box a little so that they don’t have to. I’ve provided for you a glimpse at some of the items from my otherwise extensive list for Birthday 2010… here it is in all its glory.

A Monkey: Your choice, including but not limited to a Chimpanzee, a Finger Monkey, a Spider Monkey, a Sea Monkey… as long as it’s alive. Please refrain from Monkey’s in a Barrel, Monkey Bread, a Monkeys CD, or a stuffed animal Monkey with Velcro hands (I already have 3 of them.)
You Should Probably Click HERE

A Zorb Ball: I’m trying to watch my carbon footprint.  Plus I’m pretty sure you can’t get a DUI in a Zorb; I’m doubtful that Zorbing under the influence is frowned upon especially since whomever invented this gem was clearly under the influence of some pretty heavy shit themselves.  However, my counsel is looking into this.

A Venus Fly Trap and a Pack of Bubble Yum: you do the math.

Dinner: I would like to be taken to dinner at The French Laundry which means you need to book a flight to Cali as well. I have Southwest Drink Coupons to share plus I’ll throw in my 100 calorie pack, everyone wins.
The French Laundry

Sparklers: I became a statistic this past 4th of July and blew up my thumb with a Sparkler so I never really got to enjoy it. I just want a do-over.

A Live-In Sushi Chef: I'd like to be able to name him whatever I want and he should be taller than me because adults that are any shorter than me freak me out a little and I can’t have that kind of energy around my sushi.
Should Look Something Like This

Crocodile Mile: There’s only one reason you shouldn’t know what this is and that’s if you’re an Eskimo.
You Run, You Slide, Hit the Bump and Take a Dive!

A Cotton Candy Machine:  Cotton candy has been a mystery to me since my Leawood Elementary Carnival days.  I’m sure you could write this gift off as an educational grant and perhaps I could get paid by the government for an independent study as I plan to devote the latter part of my twenties to solving the great mysteries of cotton candy (as well as find a cure to the Hang Over but that’s another story.)
Cotton Candy Machine

Just a glimpse.