Hodge-Podge Reality Doo-Wop Compilation Blog Remix: Birthday Edition

• I'm still on this hatred of the 'LOL.' I guess that shit ain't goin anywhere. You'd have thought it woulda just faded out like Amy Winehouse but noooo. Did you know that every time someone writes 'LOL' God pees on an angel?  Unfortunately some angels actually enjoy this.  Angels are gross. 
• Is it just me or does anyone else get all sentimental whilst buttoning up their jacket… just thinking about the teeny, sweaty 8 year old hands that sewed on those buttons? Oy.
• There should be a LIKE button under people's names on Facebook. That way you can see which of your "friends" actually like you. 
• How bout that mini aneurism you get when you can't find your phone and you know it's on silent...    
• Ladies, a man who puts his Oakley’s on the back of his neck is the first sign of date rape.  Same goes for the gentlemen who still have their graduation tassel hanging from their rear-view mirror. Those guys deserve a high five… in the face… with a brick.
• Hey Lays Potato Chip Makers, I'd like to thank you for the complimentary chips you add to the bag of air you sell.  So, thank you.
• If you wear Hollister polos I'm going to assume you're homeless... No offense if you're homeless.
• The umbilical cord was nature’s way of saying children belong on leashes. If you can't take a hint you have no business having children.  Put your kids on a leash, people.
• I have a trust issues.  I have a feeling it’s because at a young age my parents used to feed us White Castle and say “Just eat it, trust me.”  And that shit was good.
• I have to wonder if this Missoni for Target thing was part of the Obama Adminstration economy stimulus.  What a disaster. That was like Christmas Eve and Black Friday and finding out you're not adopted all rolled into one solid day.  Grown-ass women fighting over bedding in Target isles. What the FUCK was that all about?  I scored some sexies though, but that’s only because no one wanted the extra small bra.  Either way, good game, bitches.
• So that iPhone 4 Skin I told you about?  I took that thing off my phone for a total of like 52 seconds, dropped the mother fucker and it cracked like an egg.  They were really on to something with the 4 Skin.  Really makes you think twice about circumcising your kid, huh?
• Victoria’s Secret sends me these emails all the time.  Yesterday I got one titled “Hi, Gorgeous.”  That’s creepy, how’d they know?

My birthday is coming up; it’s on September 30^th again this year.  As you may know, every year I put together a birthday list for all my friends and family to choose from.  I tell them it’s so they don’t have to think too hard but we all know it’s so they don’t get me stupid shit that I have to return.  One year my mom gave me a necklace she made out of macaroni noodles and I… wait I think I gave her that one year.  Whatever?  Anyhoo, here are just a few items from this year’s list…  

Sidenote:  As I write this I realize that I have 18,621 views on my blog.  I have to assume that that’s 18,621 individuals since I also assume that people read this once and immediately wash their eyes out with bleach never to return again. My thought here is, if each of you 18k+ people just gave me $1 for my birthday, I’d call that a successful birthday. 

BIRTHDAY LIST 2011

• John Cusack outside my window with a boombox.
• This is so cliché but, a pair of invisible fire-breathing dragons.
• A monkey (like you didn’t know that was coming, Daddy.  Every year I ask, every year I cry.)
• A Birkin
• A Merkin
• An elf on a shelf
• An Indian in a cupboard
• A mini pocket ninja
• A kangaroo to put my ninja in
• A White Snake
• A Deaf Leopard
• A Kitchen Boyfriend (to open my pickle jars, wine bottles, make my morning coffee, do it on the counter with, etc.)
• A fucking Unicorn
• A Roomba
• A gumball machine filled with... I dunno surprise me.
• A Range Rover Hot Wheels to cruise around downtown in.
• World Peace
• And maybe like some flowers and a card.

Also, a very happy birthday wish to my best friend in the world, Lindsay Davis.  It's you and me against the world.  I love you to the moon times infinity!

lylys
http://twitter.com/#!/littlelindsb