I'm The Boss, Applesauce

It’s no secret that I possess an overwhelming wealth of knowledge and wisdom. So much so that it would be deemed unfair and unjust not to share with the general public what I believe to be some of life’s secrets, a few rules to live by and also some basic hard hitting facts. I have no doubt that one day, when you’re having an in depth conversation with Alex Trebek, ordering a $5 Footlong, or saving a kitten from a burning building, something you have read in this post will come in handy, thus making me your hero. Take notes, make use of that hi-liter, stick a copy in your wallet, whatever you gotta do, this will probably be the most important thing you’ve read since that book where Lennie pets the bunny (I just rented the movie, I never read it. But you know, good for you if you did.) Anyhoo, without further ado… you’re welcome.

  • You should never be ordering a Ham and Cheese sandwich. It’s always a Hard as a Mother Fucker and Cheese sandwich. Write that down.
  • If your mission in life is to become a Police Officer: ABORT MISSION, dick.
  • If you’re saying “I’m on a boat,” and you’re leaving out “mother fucker take a look at me,” and you’re not wearing a mother fucking afghan, you’re doing it wrong. And totally missing the point.
  • There are no male mermaids (or mermen,) there are only females and transgender mermaids. This is because cock and balls are a totally unflattering bulge and quite uncomfortable in that tight outfit.
  • Ladies, boys in bow-ties are like neatly wrapped presents that smell good, just for you. Open them.
  • It is every human’s Earthly duty to adopt at least 3 kittens and give them to homeless people.
  • If you’re over the age of 12 and listen to any one of Justin Bieber’s songs, I hope you’re listening to them from your Special Ed class.
  • The answer to world peace is for everyone to shut the fuck up, mind their own bee’s wax and enjoy their pancakes.
  • The name John is sold out. No one can ever name their kid John again.
  • It is important to use deodorant every day even if you are a baby; actually, especially if you are a baby. Babies, use deodorant!
  • In 2002 Whitney Houston predicted the demise of Charlie Sheen thus proving two wrongs do make a right.
  • Dogs are not man’s best friend. I won’t tell you what is, but here’s a hint: it rhymes with ‘pagina.’
  • My daddy got me a unicorn for my 6th birthday. I named her Spike and she was a lesbian. When she died we buried her under our Willow tree in the backyard and overnight it turned into a Pussy Willow. And that’s how the Pussy Willow was invented.
  • A Pegasus is just a Unicorn who drinks Red Bull, it’s cheaper just to buy a Unicorn and some Red Bull.
  • When faced with some of life’s toughest decisions it’s always best to get drunk and flip a coin. Everyone is always luckier when they’re drunk, trust me.
  • There are like 11 things essential for life on Earth; oxygen, coffee, champagne, cheese burgers, vodka, bubblegum, sex, Egyptian cotton, house music, kittens and sunshine. If you have to opt out of 1, choose oxygen.
  • When faced with the challenge of writing your Facebook status, stay calm, focus, take 5 deep breaths, I know this is one of the hardest things you’ll do all day. Pay very close attention to your use of 1st and 3rd person. Often people forget who they are halfway through their one fucking sentence!
  • If you can sit in the car for the entirety of Katie Perry’s Firework song without attempting to leap from the moving vehicle or rip your weave straight from your scalp, congratulations you have officially lost your hearing and you never have to hear that song again.
  • If you ever have a kid and your kid wants a cat, never get your kid a black cat. And don’t name it Whoopie. Just trust me on this.
  • Donuts are good for the soul. Also, a donut a day keeps the boys away. Feed your soul wisely.
  • If you make friends with a Ninja, or a turtle, or a Ninja Turtle you are making a giant leap for mankind, but I suggest you start with the turtle.
I love Kevin Bacon.

To be continued... lylys

Stupid Makes the World Go 'Round

Clearly music and stupidity are the two things that inspire me most to write (my Pulitzer no doubt awaits.) Certain things happen in life that really sends my cynicism into a tailspin, which turns out to be good for the 4th Floor, I guess. I’ve remained super busy playing tic tac toe with Tibetan Monks, whispering to horses, curing disease and fighting crime so it’s still been tough to find the time to write in recent weeks. But since it’s been a bit I’ve had plenty of opportunity to encounter some really big fucking idiots and collect thoughts like a Kardasian collects Spanx.

For instance, walking through the mall the other day I see these people belly up like dead fish getting their chompers whitened at a kiosk. Who are these assholes who wake up in the morning and say “Man, today seems like a really good day to get my teeth whitened in the MIDDLE OF A FUCKING SHOPPING MALL!” What the fuck are these people thinking? Nothing about having your mouth hole agape for long periods of time while an unflattering blue neon light illuminates all the tiny hairs on your face is anything any practical mall go-er, shopper, walker, loiterer or janitor wants to fucking witness. NOTHING. To the idiots that find this a necessity, try this: brush your fucking teeth and lay off the soda pop. Whiten at your neighborhood dentist’s office or quit smiling. A big thank you.

What a Weiner
How about this Anthony Weiner guy? I don’t know a whole lot about what’s going on here; like I’ve said before I get my news from Facebook and Twitter and I get my weather by sticking my head out the window, but geeeeeezus! First of all, if my last name was Weiner I would be extra careful with what I did with mine since it’s pretty much all over the radar as it is. So what does Anthony Weiner do? Why he shows off his boner, of course… classic. Now I love this guy! If he plays his cards right nothing could be better for Weiner publicity than nice big boner scandal. No doubt this clown shoe planned this. Even if he didn’t, I’d say I did if I were him because it’s genius. I would make T-shirts with a picture of his head on the back and on the front it would say, “Look everybody, there’s a Weiner on my back.” I’d make Anthony Weiner bobble heads wearing tiny hats that say, “Have you seen my Weiner wiggle?” I mean, I would have a fucking hay day with this shit. Go gettem Weiner, ya fuckin’ ding dong!

To the guy who hyped up the Zombie Apocalypse Rapture thing like a club promoter blowing up a no show Prince appearance, you're an idiot. Got me all excited, got me a new dress for the occasion, only to be let down when I didn’t get to party with any zombies. Meeting zombies is a once in a lifetime opportunity. The amount of disappointment I experienced can only be compared to the kind Ben Affleck felt about Gigli. It was that bad. I started doing good things in preparation for the end of the world like pulling dimes out from behind the ears of Salvation Army bell ringers and throwing food at homeless people, all for nothing. And what am I supposed to do with all this leftover pancake batter I had on hand for my zombie slumber party?

I got married last weekend. To all you people who think “marriage isn’t what it’s cracked up to be,” and “marriage changes everything,” fuck that noise, you’re idiots. Clearly you have never been married to Steve Smooth for 24 hours and I feel sorry for you. Also, you should buy his music because he’s my husband and I said so and it’s awesome and if you don’t you’re an idiot. 
Steve Smooth, Tamra Keenan - You Take Me Here feat. Tamra Keenan (Radio Edit)

The moral of this post is, whiten your teethies at home, make money off your Weiner, don’t put all your ovaries in the zombie basket, marry Steve Smooth, buy his music, and don’t be an idiot.