I have what doctors like to call “a little bit of a wait problem.” I wait way too long between blogs. High fives and apologies all around. At least I’m aware of the problem and I promise you I am addressing this issue with my medical staff. But per usual, I’ve been really fucking busy... seriously. I've recently learned that I’m a rather exceptional juggler, magician and fortune teller so I have been practicing my skills, inventing new tricks and teaching them to the likes of Criss Angel, and little ones at the children's hospital. And if you think juggling flaming scorpions (not gay scorpions, scorpions on fire) is tricky, try juggling Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Instagram, Spotify, Tumbler and a fake J-Date profile. Oooor maybe I’m just a sandbagging son of a bitch, I'll never tell? Either way, here I am with a bag full of magic, a shoebox full of scorpions, a pocket full of life advice, a teensy glimpse into the future of bacon and a little production I’ve put together to prove to you that I do exist outside of the world wide web and I really am a busy-ass lady. Enjoy!
- Stay out of tanning beds, they are like mid-sized spaceships to planet Melanoma.
- If you're in yoga class and someone cuts one, the polite thing to say to them is, "Namaste." Be sure you make eye contact.
- The smartest man in the world will own a pig farm. He will then start an LLC under the company name, Kevin. He will then murder his piggies and sell bacon. He will become a multimillion dollar conglomerate all from Kevin Bacon. That is the real mother fucker who will bring home the bacon.
- If the NuvaRing marketing team was smart, 'Single Ladies' would be their theme song. “If you like it than you shoulda put a ring on it” ...by "it" I mean your cervix. I mean what kind of a prick doesn’t like a good cervix?
- If you ever get in trouble at work just say, "Oh, the press is gonna have a field day with this." Typically everyone just backs right the fuck off.
- There is simply no way to trust the kind of person who puts the toilet paper roll on to roll under. If you meet one, run like the wind!
- If you have a baby and it’s being an asshole in public, you’re a bigger asshole for not removing it from public and now we know where your baby gets it from, Asshole.
- Money is the root of all evil, money and Taylor Swift.
- If ever you are feeling blue, just remind yourself that DiGiorno now comes with chicky wangs and all is right in the world again.
- There is no problem, emotional or otherwise, that can’t be fixed with blueberry vodka, cheeseburgers or a proper back scratching.
- If you ever meet a dog in a sweater and it’s acting like a dick, don’t be mad at the dog.
- Oh, and like don't drive faster than your legal guardian can fly. Also, nobody likes watching you dance and when life hands you lemons save em for a rainy day... or something along those lines.
- Oh and also also, I just found out that Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite (lil dick, lil chick.) Figures.
And here’s what I’ve been up to… pretty much no good... but sooooo good.
That is all, carry on.
That is all, carry on.