Vitamin D is Good for Your Ears

No, not milk, Knuckleheads! Super dope, fresh and fly, this guy!  My pal and musical genius, Deejay Spinstyles, saves the day with a little Sunlight… I’m sure we can all use some of that right now.  Check it out.  And after you fall in love with it, go to Hype Machine and give him some love by clicking the heart.  You’re awesome!

Sunlight (Spinstyles Remix) by SPINSTYLES

We Need To Talk

Mister Always Right, my apologies for the delay in response. I’m sure you’ve noticed me pulling away a little bit. It all happened so fast, you blog, I blog, one thing led to another and the next thing I know an internet love affair rears its sexy head. But affair? Official? This is a lot to think about, this is some pretty heavy shit. So I’ve done what my Daddy tells me to do when I’m faced with a difficult decision and made a Benji Franklin List, I think that’s what it’s called, a pros and cons of sorts. Here’s what I came up with:

-You seem to be as hopelessly romantic as yours truly.
-I like the color blue, your blog is blue.
-Your ability to compromise is a delight.
-You said we could get a monkey.
-You said your low-balls were only for financial gain.
-You said balls.

-I don’t like fainting.
-I typically prefer my lovers to be tangible; my Blackberry can’t spoon me, kiss me, or take me out for sushi. My Blackberry can’t babysit my cat while I’m away or just get smashed and smoosh. (but gawd, wouldn’t it be rad if my Blackberry could do those things?)
-I’m concerned I might be too busy for an internet love affair, what with American Idol just starting and I’m trying to grow my hair out, the pools open in precisely 105 days so I’ve got to work on my fitness, I’m working diligently to perfect the art of motorcycle maintenance, I’m still volunteering at the fire house on Tuesdays, then there’s Taco Tuesday so Tuesday’s just really aren’t good for me, I’ve got a real job too which keeps me tied up from 8:55-5:03, Monday though Friday, I’ve got to finish this essay about the Russian Empire that was due March 3rd, 1999 (I don’t like to leave things unfinished, I would hate to die and for my unfinished business to be that essay and my ghost has to haunt my old history teacher, Mr. Oldie. That would suck.) I’m also getting ready to launch my Cotton Candy independent study in May 2012 so I have a lot of shit to do to get ready for that, my birthday is coming up, I only have 227 days to get my wish list finalized, I just got Snookie’s new book, I’m sure that’s not an easy read, I like to go out and get a little bit drunk on the weekends which leaves very little time for those sexy weekend Skype dates, all the while little ‘ol me’s just trying to keep up with the Kardashian’s… (sigh) you see where this is going? I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to give you what you need, what you so richly deserve.

So I guess I’m asking if we can just be friends, Facebook friends is cool, pen pals works too. I mean until my life slows down a little. I’m just focused on all my careers, my mind, buns and thighs and soul. So you see, as they say, it’s not you, it’s me.

Sooo, we’re good, right?


Free Lohan

Oh, Lindsay Lohan. Dear, sweet, hot, twisted, freckled, fucking mess, Lindsay Lohan. What went wrong, Sweetie? Dina didn't do this damage all on her own, no way. Something serious went wrong at birth. Either they injected you with stupid or you are missing some pretty imperative brain cells, the kind that are crucial to decision making skills and paramount to well, basically just general survival. Get it together lady! Why are we stealing jewelry? You have money right? Even if you don't, you can’t go walking around stealing shit, not even bubble gum. It’s not like people won't recognize you, Linds. You'd have been better off stickin’ up the joint in a Nixon mask. And if orange wasn't my color (thankfully it is) I'd be thinking long and hard about how I was gonna pull off a jewelry heist. But you just waltz in and waltz out? Who do you think you are, Sean Connery?

The fact of the matter is, I'm rooting for you. Although you lack any real talent, your role in Mean Girls really moved me. I mean if you can watch that flick without shedding a tear, you have no soul. I’m Team Lohan and we will get through this together. This little downward shame spiral has officially hit rock-bottom… again. My first suggestion is to cut your hair like your girl Sam Ronson and just blend in to the background for awhile. Hire a new mother, eat your fruits and vegetables and lay off the extracurricular drug use. This should be a good start. We need to get this little mess cleaned up though, Sistergirl... boys don't like girls with Grand Theft Felony charges.  Call me when you get out, you need new friends.


Mister Always Right

I received a tip yesterday to check out this blog:  Always Right
**Note: In order for you to understand the following, you must read the page I’ve linked first.

…And so it seems I have a little internet love interest on my hands. Can you blame him? Anyhoo, Mister Always Right kindly asked me not to put him “on blast” on my blog, yet with a lot of careful consideration I feel that I would be robbing the general public of what may very well be a modern day fairytale. However cynical I may seem to be, I am a devastatingly hopeless romantic to the fucking core and I can appreciate these bold tactics. So, Mister Always Right, at the risk of you holding a grudge before our first date, I write to you. This is not to put you “on blast” but rather to negotiate our relationship proceedings, hear me out.

First, and most importantly, I must tell you, the pussycat is non-negotiable. There is no amount of back rub coupons that I would trade my beloved feline friend for, zero. Her name is Coco LaRue, you will love her. I do have a counter offer though. We will build a west wing in our love castle and have a cat sanctuary there, yes? Hopefully you can set aside your cat issues… in the name of love. We can still get a dog too, a golden retriever named Pancake. But babe, (can I call you babe? No? Whatever,) can we still get a monkey?

We also must address your tendency to low-ball. I’m not a big fan of low balls. Fast balls, yes. Basketballs, sure. Cottonballs, nope. But low balls, get the fuck outta here. This package, no matter what the trade in, is always going to be worth more than a back rub coupon, or a coupon of any kind for that matter. Capeesh?

Boo, (can I call you Boo? No? Whatever,) to say that I’m intrigued by your snow removal abilities would be an understatement. It’s very super hero-esque, and quite frankly makes me wonder what else you can remove just by looking at it. Also, I’m a sucker for a good spooning sesh so to learn that this is a talent of yours as well has earned you serious bonus points. But I’d like you to know that I am the inevitable little spoon so I hope you like being the big spoon, I’m not flexible on this.

In short, you have my attention, you piqued my interest, and I was reading with a wry smile on my sweet little face. So now what? Are we dating? Are we exclusive? Are we seeing other bloggers? I’m traditional; I’ll let you take the lead on this. I’m in no rush to get married, or adopt any black babies, (oh yeah, we’re going to have black babies) so we can take it slow. Oh, and one minor detail, I’m always right so you might want to start brainstorming a new name for your blog.

Love you, Love your Shoes

Hodge-Podge Reality Doo-Wop Compilation Blog Remix: Volume 3.0

Welp, Jamie Lee Curtis and our friends at Activia have done it again! Staying true to their “didn't really think that one through” theme, Activia brings you Activia Dessert. The probiotic marketing team chose “a wonderful ending to your dinner” as the new yogurt’s slogan. While we all have our different variation on “wonderful endings” I’m sure most of us can agree that shitting your pants at the dinner table isn’t one of them. A+ you fucking idiots, keep’em coming.

Only YOU can help prevent Bieber Fever
-Know what I can’t wait for?  Justin Bieber’s biopic movie!  I have never been more excited about spending $12 in my life.  I have big plans for opening day involving a Scream mask, a megaphone, red spray paint, stink bombs, Nair, toilet paper, eggs, Super Soakers, an alibi and a good lawyer.   
-Tabloids: who are these jokers? Did you know some wise guy made up that my Snookie kicked the bucket a couple weeks ago? MADE IT UP! What are they trying to do, kill me!?! The Snook is not dead, I follow her on Twitter, homegirl’s alive and kickin’. But this little scare just reminded me how grateful I am for Snookers and just how much I love that little meatball. Sometimes you need to think people are dead to realize how much you appreciate them, ya know?
-Hey Taco Bell, 35% real meat?  Really guys?  Good luck to you and your future endeavors.  Better start thinking back inside the bun, people.
-And hey Jared from Subway, do you even have a real job anymore? 
-Playboy makes perfume now. Why the fuck would anyone wanna smell like a Playboy? Vom.
-In the last 2 days I have had troubles opening a pickle jar, opening a bottle of nail polish, removing snow from my car and spooning myself. It may be time for a monkey... or a boyfriend.
-Whatever happened to Blossom? She must be rolling over in her grave because hats are so IN right now. She’s dead right? Or just her career?
-I am this close to boycotting bagels and donuts altogether. Who’s the funny guy who decided it would be a good idea to punch a hole in my food and where the fuck does it go, huh? Are they just throwing the middle away? I know a lot of people who would love to eat the middle and I’m one of them. Dickheads.
-Jessica Cutler – The Washingtonienne
Perhaps I am the last to learn of this 6 year old sex scandal, I’m not big on sluts or politics so I’m not surprised I was in the dark. However, a girlfriend of mine turned me on to this little drama on the Hill recently and I’m so intrigued. This Jessica Cutler girl is a fucking nightmare! A hot mess, a walking shit show with serious daddy issues. I fucking love her! This broad worked in the Senate office, carried on multiple kinky-weird relationships within the office and blogged in detail about her sexcapades in an X-rated blog. She kept complete anonymity for like 15 days then someone found her out, blew her cover and the ho got canned in a hot minute. I mean, the stuff she writes… you cannot make this shit up. It’s un-fucking-real. Bitch has a book out now, I’m buying it ASAP… in paperback and on tape. Below is the link to her daily postings, you should definitely familiarize yourself if you haven’t already.
The Lost Washingtonienne
-To the weirdos with foot fetishes... I'm on to you.  Did you know that I can find out where my traffic comes from on my blog via search words?  Did you know that I have caught you looking at my feetsies from your mom's basement?  Did you know that's fucking sick?  This is Live From the 4th Floor, not Live From the Foot Whore.  This is a satirical blog about, well... pleople like you!  Get off my walkers and get a job ya creep! 
(note: the search word)