I’m sitting here on the 4th floor writing this because it’s snowing outside and I didn’t have to go to work today. Personally I find it rather nice and a welcome break from my daily Tuesday activities. It blows my mind how many people find out that this rain stuff is going to freeze in the atmosphere and magically turn into this snow stuff and actually FALL DIRECTLY FROM THE SKY and accumulate in populated areas and damn near have an aneurysm. 24 hours in advance to the anticipated Snowpocolypse (which is pretty dramatic in and of itself) the entire Midwest collectively loses its shit. Unless you are a new born baby or have been living under a giant rock in the Mojave, you can go right ahead and fucking RELAX, people! You’ve done this before and you’re still alive. But no, rather than behave like sophisticated adults, seasoned Midwesterners who have experienced weather before, absolute MAYHEM ensues…
Showing up to the grocery store by the masses like their hair is on fire to stock up on the “necessities.” Grown-ass men getting in fights over the last steak at the meat counter. "Don't point your slightly delicious looking sausage fingers at me!" a man shouts. Mom’s having severe mental breakdowns in the bread isle like their kids are never going to leave the house again and “OH my gawd how much fucking bread are we gonna need? DEFINITELY ALL OF IT!” Ummm… unless you’re the gawd damn Brady Bunch I’m sure one loaf will get you through the next 24 to 48 hours, unless you die, of course, in which case you’ll need a lot less bread and I’m really sorry about your untimely death, you bread-hoarding maniac. If you do happen to survive the grocery store, please do not forget to refill your Xanax before getting confined to your cozy hearth room with a bottle of wine, NANCY.
How about the guy who shows up at Home Depot the night before the “Storm of the Century?” Let’s call him Ron. Ron's intentions are to buy them out of all the gawd damn shovels. You know, just in case it snows forever and ever and he’s just going through shovels like a beast, wearing them down to the wooden handles that Ron will then rub together to create fire because “Raaaarrrrw I’m saving my beloved family from snow in the driveway!!!" And "Grrrrrr... I'm a fucking middle-aged HERO.” Good work RON, now you have to start an eBay store to get rid of all 427 leftover shovels you have on your chubby hands, you MONSTER.
I was pretty impressed by my neighbor, Phil, who was out front of my building last night applying plastic sheeting to protect his CAPRICE CLASSIC like he was covering a rare original Monet. We all know how that snow can really wreak havoc on our windshields and the mighty Caprice can simply not withstand these extreme weather conditions. Thank gawd you weather-proofed your fucking BOAT, sir. What a tragedy it would be to see frozen water encroach on your beauty.
You know what I was doing while all of the psycho’s were out raping grocery shelves and bungee cording salt bags to the roof of their cars? I was picking up Coors and a bag of cat food. I was turning off my usual alarm settings, preparing for a relaxing day of bad TV with my furry friend. A hot bath maybe? I mean if the world doesn’t come to peaceful snowy end.
Happy Snow Day, YOU ANIMALS! Godspeed.