I Want Candy

I have very few regrets in my life. I’ve learned from most if not all of my mistakes and I can laugh at the one’s I didn’t learn shit from. However, there is one regret that I just can’t shake. I’ve learned and laughed from it, yet it lingers. It haunts me on a reoccurring basis. I wish I could go back and do it all over again.

I forever regret hijacking Jonny Palmer’s gummy worms and hiding them in my crayon box in Mrs. Rufa’s afternoon Kindergarten class. I have zero regrets of the actual theft of those delicious wormies at all (sorry, Jonny.) It’s the choosing of my crayon box as my hiding place that I regret and I regret this for two reasons. First and foremost, it got me caught! Mrs. Rufa was no dummy, she knew exactly where a young, rookie candy thief would conceal her stolen treasures. Duh, Kid Lindsey! Secondly, I regret this choice because we all know how terrible Crayola’s taste. You get some of that waxy residue on a gummy worm and it’s all over, the entire heist was for nothin’! Minutes of cold, calculative plotting fueled by sugar out the window!

I’ve tried to tell myself it’s not my fault. I mean clearly my judgment was clouded by the multiple highs I was on. Between the high-speed joyride I had just taken on the tire swing, the sugar rush I was on from my own gummy worms and the success of the worm-knapping that had just taken place, what five year old wouldn’t crack under pressure when it came to the stashing? Yet still, I am so disappointed in myself. I lost my cool, and that would never happen again.

I’ve replayed that fateful day over and over again and although I cannot go back and change it, I can prevent it from happening again.  I have come up with some useful tips for a great candy heist, tips that any dedicated, candy-loving kindergartener can follow should he or she wish to pull off the ultimate in confection thievery without getting busted.
*To all the five to six year old candy stealers who read my blog, this is for you:
  1. Keep Your Eye On the Prize: It’s good to have goals at such a young age. Never lose sight of your numero uno… CANDY!
  2. Love Thy Neighbor: Make friends with the kid(s) next to you, whether that’s at your desk, your cubby hole or the coat wrack. Get close, but don’t get too close (revert to step 1.) If they trust you, they’ll let you in. This in turn makes the nabbing much easier.
  3. Statutory Pockets: Always wear clothing with multiple pockets. Stashing the candy on your person is a fool-proof way to NEVER get caught.  The multiple pockets are critical as you don’t want bulging candy pockets (dead giveaway!)  Distribute evenly. Also, due to the weirdo teachers who touched kids in “no-no places,” (i.e. teachers with mustaches, minivans, wrinkle-free dockers or velcro shoes) I’m almost 100% positive that teachers aren’t allowed to pat you down.
  4. Eat the Evidence: Eat it right away or savor the flavor and save it for later, totally up to you, Kid. Whatever you do, DO NOT leave the candy in your pockets and let your mom wash your clothes. You’ll be mad, your mom will be mad and the Maytag Man will be really mad.
My little angels, the moral of the story is, don't take candy from strangers, just steal it from your friends.
Happy Hunting, don't fuck up! 

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