Clearly music and stupidity are the two things that inspire me most to write (my Pulitzer no doubt awaits.) Certain things happen in life that really sends my cynicism into a tailspin, which turns out to be good for the 4th Floor, I guess. I’ve remained super busy playing tic tac toe with Tibetan Monks, whispering to horses, curing disease and fighting crime so it’s still been tough to find the time to write in recent weeks. But since it’s been a bit I’ve had plenty of opportunity to encounter some really big fucking idiots and collect thoughts like a Kardasian collects Spanx.
For instance, walking through the mall the other day I see these people belly up like dead fish getting their chompers whitened at a kiosk. Who are these assholes who wake up in the morning and say “Man, today seems like a really good day to get my teeth whitened in the MIDDLE OF A FUCKING SHOPPING MALL!” What the fuck are these people thinking? Nothing about having your mouth hole agape for long periods of time while an unflattering blue neon light illuminates all the tiny hairs on your face is anything any practical mall go-er, shopper, walker, loiterer or janitor wants to fucking witness. NOTHING. To the idiots that find this a necessity, try this: brush your fucking teeth and lay off the soda pop. Whiten at your neighborhood dentist’s office or quit smiling. A big thank you.
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| What a Weiner |
How about this Anthony Weiner guy? I don’t know a whole lot about what’s going on here; like I’ve said before I get my news from Facebook and Twitter and I get my weather by sticking my head out the window, but geeeeeezus! First of all, if my last name was Weiner I would be extra careful with what I did with mine since it’s pretty much all over the radar as it is. So what does Anthony Weiner do? Why he shows off his boner, of course… classic. Now I love this guy! If he plays his cards right nothing could be better for Weiner publicity than nice big boner scandal. No doubt this clown shoe planned this. Even if he didn’t, I’d say I did if I were him because it’s genius. I would make T-shirts with a picture of his head on the back and on the front it would say, “Look everybody, there’s a Weiner on my back.” I’d make Anthony Weiner bobble heads wearing tiny hats that say, “Have you seen my Weiner wiggle?” I mean, I would have a fucking hay day with this shit. Go gettem Weiner, ya fuckin’ ding dong!
To the guy who hyped up the Zombie Apocalypse Rapture thing like a club promoter blowing up a no show Prince appearance, you're an idiot. Got me all excited, got me a new dress for the occasion, only to be let down when I didn’t get to party with any zombies. Meeting zombies is a once in a lifetime opportunity. The amount of disappointment I experienced can only be compared to the kind Ben Affleck felt about Gigli. It was that bad. I started doing good things in preparation for the end of the world like pulling dimes out from behind the ears of Salvation Army bell ringers and throwing food at homeless people, all for nothing. And what am I supposed to do with all this leftover pancake batter I had on hand for my zombie slumber party?
I got married last weekend. To all you people who think “marriage isn’t what it’s cracked up to be,” and “marriage changes everything,” fuck that noise, you’re idiots. Clearly you have never been married to Steve Smooth for 24 hours and I feel sorry for you. Also, you should buy his music because he’s my husband and I said so and it’s awesome and if you don’t you’re an idiot.
Steve Smooth, Tamra Keenan - You Take Me Here feat. Tamra Keenan (Radio Edit)
The moral of this post is, whiten your teethies at home, make money off your Weiner, don’t put all your ovaries in the zombie basket, marry Steve Smooth, buy his music, and don’t be an idiot.
lylys
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