I'm the Boss, Applesauce: Part Tres

Rawr!

Yeah, yeah I know, I’ll be the first to admit, I suck at consistency and for that I apologize.  I have an excuse though.  For starters, I’ve been tapping into my more artistic/romantic/softer side recently.  Bet ya didn't know I even had one of those, did ya?  I know, gag me, right?  Also, I could go on a rant about how busy I have been {motherfuckersonofabitch} but I’ll spare you the boring details of my accolades for the world’s meatiest meatball, the search for my Spirit Animal through the Mojave (which turns out is a Pegasus; no suprise there,) my perfection in the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and the completion of my Dragon Tattoo.  But, I’m back... cynicism and all.  So in keeping on trend with “I’m the Boss, Appelsauce,” I will talk a lot about myself and share a little of my wisdom with you today.  Bon appetito!

• I seriously can’t stand those drive-thru, packet-ration, Ketchup Nazi's.  Like 3-6 packets of ketchup is coming out of their 401k or something.
• It’s called Missouri not Missoura… unless you have one leg and wooden teeth, then you can call it whatever you want, you crazy old bastard.
• I haven’t had a landline since Nam but owning a Hamburger phone is still a number one priority.
• Skin colored Band-Aids are even more unnatural than say, a sparkly Ninja Turtle Band-Aide and they’re fucking disgusting looking.  They don’t call it a “dressing” for nothing, dress that shit up!
• When I was a little girl my parents sent me to an etiquette class at the mall called ‘Pretty as a Picture.’  Mom and dad, if you’re reading this, I’m really sorry you wasted your money.  Also, I owe a fucking fortune to the swear jar.
• I love leftovers, but I prefer to call it Vintage Food. 
• If Denzel Washington ran for president, I’d vote for him. 

President Washington

• My favorite flowers are Peonies which is unfortunate since it’s dangerously close to my least favorite word, which is “panties,”  so I just call them both undies.  Note: don’t call the florist and ask for a bouquet of undies unless you’re some kind of a sick freak.
• I feel sorry for Drew Barrymore’s new fiancé.  Cory Feldman, Tom Green and a whole bunch of cocaine are gonna be a tough act to follow.
• I’m aware that this is a bit of an after-thought, but my 5^th grade math teacher’s name was Mrs. Walker.  If that lady had a son and didn’t name him Luke Sky, she fucked up big time.
• There’s the sigh I use when I see fat chicks sweating through their gray workout pants, and the sigh I use for everything else.
• Having a shark as a pet is all fun and games until it remembers it’s a shark and fucking destroys your whole face.

I will eat your face.

• I’m convinced the Devil invented the Snooze Button... dangling temptation in front of my sweet, innocent face before I can even fully open my eyes.
• Never trust a Wizard in a wheelchair.  Just go with me on this.
• You can’t actually die from eating raw cookie dough, your mother is a liar.
• IKEA is the Swedish House Mafia.
• Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  Ironically, Valentine’s Day also happens to be the day I eat Chinese take-out. Alone.  In the dark.  In lingerie, of course.
• And lastly, you guys, every outfit is an opportunity, try harder than Crocs.

That is all, carry on.
Love you, Love your shoes.