It seems as though some of our Facebook friends have a bit of a skewed take on the Facebook world. I have taken the time to compile a small list of Do's and Don'ts to help out you and your fellow Facebookers. Now I know this might be a little harsh, perhaps a bit hard to grasp at first but trust, if you just follow a few of these simple guidelines you're sure to be less of an electronic mornon. You'll thank me later.
THE DO'sDO: post interesting video and links to keep others entertained at work. Side note: DON’T post any more video of that freaky kid who lip-synchs. That midget Milli Vanilli gives me nightmares.
DO: check the upload date on your content. If you’re posting shit from last year, you’re 2000 and late, dude. We’ve all seen ‘David Goes to the Fucking Dentist’! A thousand times. It’s old beans.
DO: try to get a little more creative with your album names, people. If you have an album named “Party in the USA” or “Debauchery” , then you’re one of about 50,000 people with the same name and about as neato as a lemon-flavored Lifesaver (translation= not neato at all.)
DO: Patronize places because you truly want to, not because you’re going to earn some fake Boy Scout badge or become the mayor of Long John fucking Silver on Four Square.
DO: Mobile Upload, I like it.
DO: poke me if you’re Helen Keller and that’s your only means of communication. Otherwise, just disable the feature completely.
DO: take into consideration what a poke truly is. Nothing good comes in the form of a poke (i.e. “I just poked myself in the eye,” “This stupid tag keeps poking me,” “Hold still you’re just going to feel a little poke,” “Do the hokey pokey,” “We were just slow dancing and it poked me.”) See?
THE DON'TsDON'T: put a thumbs up on your own fucking status. Pretty sure if you didn’t like what you said, you wouldn’t have said it in the first place. It's redundant.
DON'T: commentate your whole life on your status. I do not give one, two or three shits what you’re doing all day. I do not need a fucking play by play from your “Good Morning, Starbucks!” to your “Good Night Moon,” I have never and will never wonder what you’re doing when I wake up, or before I go to sleep unless you’re Snookie. I always wanna know what that little monster is up to.
DON’T: air your dirty laundry on your status. If your boyfriend broke up with you and left you with nothing but your Keds and the microwave, it might be because all 932 of your Facebook friends know every intimate detail of your relationship and maybe a little bit because you have Keds too.
DON’T: “check in” places! Primarily because (again) I don’t care where you are, and if I do I’ll just ask you. But also, national crime rates have gone up because robbers know when you aren’t home now, Knuckleheads!
DON’T: be Facebook friends with robbers. Generally speaking, it’s just best to not be friends with robbers anyhow.
DON'T: Play that RID-iculous farm game or mafia game or bejazzled game or any game where you answer questions about me. I do not care how many stacks of hay you have or that you have just knocked off some cyber hooker and became the Don of retarded fake games. Capeesh? And stop answering weird questions about me, it’s creepy.
DON'T: Send me fake cocktails. It really pisses me off for what I think are pretty obvious reasons (obvious reasons being, YOU CAN'T DRINK THEM!) If you can’t understand this, then kindly remove yourself from my friends list.
DON'T: invite me to your wedding, your baby shower, your birthday party, or your BBQ on Facebook. I won’t read it. I won’t take it seriously. I won’t show up. And you won’t get a present.
DON'T: Take pictures of yourself with your shirt off in your bathroom mirror and use it as your Facebook face. If you desperately feel the need to be a giant fucking douche bag, clean your bathroom counter first you filthy bastard.
Please Facebook responsibly.