Public Service Announcement: Pajama Jeans

Oh jeeezus, where do I begin? If you own a pair of Pajama Jeans, or have so much as thought about owning a pair, consider this an electronic thump to your forehead. These things are the modern day version of tapered drawstring sweat pants. Sure, they might be comfortable to sleep in, and sure people sport these in public but does that mean you should? The answer, my friends, is FUCK NO. Let’s put it this way, if it can be bought on television, it should not be worn... ever. No, not even in the privacy of your own home, you’re just setting yourself up to look stupid, fat and lazy.

Pajama Jeans suggests that it’s “a struggle to fit into ordinary jeans, they’re uncomfortable and leave marks on your skin.” Folks, if you feel this way about your jeans this means one thing and one thing only… you need to go up a size, Tubby! Pajama Jeans also suggests that they fit every figure like a sexy second skin. Trust me, not every figure needs a "second skin."  "Second skins" are not always sexy… shit the sound of "second skin" sounds like a term you would hear in a burn unit.  In general we should all try to divert from "second skins" of any kind, capeesh?

If you’ve already purchased your Pajama Jeans, there’s good news for you. You have 60 days to figure out you look fucking stupid and you can still get your $39.95 back. Shit, I’d pay $39.95 to have HazMat clear that hazardous material out of my house. Hazardous to what you ask? Oh I don’t know, your reputation, your dignity, your family name… the list goes on and on.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “but it comes with a free gray crewneck T-shirt, Lindsey.” Stop it! If you must don a cheap, ugly, gray crewneck suitable for an 8 year old you can pick one up at Old Navy for about 69 cents. I know that seems like a fortune but the best things in life are not always free. I also understand that you wouldn't want to be caught dead at Old Navy but that’s the price you must pay for ugly clothing. Sorry.

Basically the only good reason to purchase a pair of Pajama Jeans is if you want to give a pair to your girlfriend so that she breaks up with you… if that’s the case, go for it! I’d actually pay $39.95 to watch that mini soap opera play out as well.

Do I need to delve further into this? Do we need to revisit the Snuggie fiasco of 2009? I didn’t think so.

Just say no to Pajama Jeans.

1 comment:

Terry Collins said...

I still want a pair!! You have not convinced me I should not buy them. Only that I should. I am 60 years old and want comfort this time in my life when looking good is not as important as being comfortable. Thank GOD I am old!