I'm The Boss, Applesauce

It’s no secret that I possess an overwhelming wealth of knowledge and wisdom. So much so that it would be deemed unfair and unjust not to share with the general public what I believe to be some of life’s secrets, a few rules to live by and also some basic hard hitting facts. I have no doubt that one day, when you’re having an in depth conversation with Alex Trebek, ordering a $5 Footlong, or saving a kitten from a burning building, something you have read in this post will come in handy, thus making me your hero. Take notes, make use of that hi-liter, stick a copy in your wallet, whatever you gotta do, this will probably be the most important thing you’ve read since that book where Lennie pets the bunny (I just rented the movie, I never read it. But you know, good for you if you did.) Anyhoo, without further ado… you’re welcome.

• You should never be ordering a Ham and Cheese sandwich. It’s always a Hard as a Mother Fucker and Cheese sandwich. Write that down.
• If your mission in life is to become a Police Officer: ABORT MISSION, dick.
• If you’re saying “I’m on a boat,” and you’re leaving out “mother fucker take a look at me,” and you’re not wearing a mother fucking afghan, you’re doing it wrong. And totally missing the point.
• There are no male mermaids (or mermen,) there are only females and transgender mermaids. This is because cock and balls are a totally unflattering bulge and quite uncomfortable in that tight outfit.
• Ladies, boys in bow-ties are like neatly wrapped presents that smell good, just for you. Open them.
• It is every human’s Earthly duty to adopt at least 3 kittens and give them to homeless people.
• If you’re over the age of 12 and listen to any one of Justin Bieber’s songs, I hope you’re listening to them from your Special Ed class.
• The answer to world peace is for everyone to shut the fuck up, mind their own bee’s wax and enjoy their pancakes.
• The name John is sold out. No one can ever name their kid John again.
• It is important to use deodorant every day even if you are a baby; actually, especially if you are a baby. Babies, use deodorant!
• In 2002 Whitney Houston predicted the demise of Charlie Sheen thus proving two wrongs do make a right.
• Dogs are not man’s best friend. I won’t tell you what is, but here’s a hint: it rhymes with ‘pagina.’
• My daddy got me a unicorn for my 6th birthday. I named her Spike and she was a lesbian. When she died we buried her under our Willow tree in the backyard and overnight it turned into a Pussy Willow. And that’s how the Pussy Willow was invented.
• A Pegasus is just a Unicorn who drinks Red Bull, it’s cheaper just to buy a Unicorn and some Red Bull.
• When faced with some of life’s toughest decisions it’s always best to get drunk and flip a coin. Everyone is always luckier when they’re drunk, trust me.
• There are like 11 things essential for life on Earth; oxygen, coffee, champagne, cheese burgers, vodka, bubblegum, sex, Egyptian cotton, house music, kittens and sunshine. If you have to opt out of 1, choose oxygen.
• When faced with the challenge of writing your Facebook status, stay calm, focus, take 5 deep breaths, I know this is one of the hardest things you’ll do all day. Pay very close attention to your use of 1st and 3rd person. Often people forget who they are halfway through their one fucking sentence!
• If you can sit in the car for the entirety of Katie Perry’s Firework song without attempting to leap from the moving vehicle or rip your weave straight from your scalp, congratulations you have officially lost your hearing and you never have to hear that song again.
• If you ever have a kid and your kid wants a cat, never get your kid a black cat. And don’t name it Whoopie. Just trust me on this.
• Donuts are good for the soul. Also, a donut a day keeps the boys away. Feed your soul wisely.
• If you make friends with a Ninja, or a turtle, or a Ninja Turtle you are making a giant leap for mankind, but I suggest you start with the turtle.

I love Kevin Bacon.

To be continued... lylys