I haven’t blogged in some time because suddenly my life has gotten crazy busy and by that I mean someone finally let me have a job and I’ve been working instead of waking up, overdosing on coffee with Reg and Kel and blogging. If you’re wondering what I do I’m in the financial industry by day and I moonlight as a volunteer firefighter most nights. Keeps me on my toes. Anyhoo, between managing people’s wealth and being a hero I’ve hardly had the time to squeeze in any writing, plus Christmas is in 46 days so I’ve been working diligently on my wish list. But I’ve had a lot to say so with that, I’ve decided to leave you with the small, profound thoughts that have been rattling around up there the last few weeks.
-First I'd like to have a word with you, Mr. Favre.
The last couple weeks have been the finest display of karma I have ever personally had the opportunity to witness. You’ve been playing like garbage and I am entirely convinced it’s due to your own documentation of yourself WEARING CROCS! Geeezus, get some new shoes, guy! And to make matters worse you rocked socks with the Crocs? Favre, where the fuck was your wife when you were getting dressed? And just when I think it can’t get any worse, I find out that this is your masturbation outfit. Whaaaa?!
Listen, I’m mildly impressed that you have been able to keep your perversion under wraps your entire career and even more impressed that no one has outted you for sporting that ridiculous footwear. However, it takes a special kind of stupid to capture a photograph of yourself committing any one of the three aforementioned offenses let alone all three at the same time. And shit bro, this is the outfit you chose to wear when sending said photograph to a babe? …Get real old man, no one wants to see your old Crocs OR your old cock… retire already, I’m bored.
-Why is the McRib a limited time only? How do they run out of fake ribs? Aren’t those things just mass produced from a little meat cookie cutter anyway? There’s something strange about a piece of meat that has the illusion of having bones in it but doesn’t actually have bones. At any rate the McRib marketing ploys and all the hype surrounding this elusive sandwich has got me super intrigued … there’s a possibility I will try one this time around, I mean it is a limited time only and all. Should this happen, the experience will be fully documented, recorded and reported on.
-There are 2 commercials that have been irritating the shit out of me as of late. First up are the Old Navy commercials which no doubt are notorious for being fuckin’ dumb; but has this two-bit retail conglomerate gotten so cheap and lazy that they don’t even use real humans in their commercials anymore? Mannequins!? Fuck, that’s annoying. The second ridiculous commercial is the Disaronno commercial teaching me how to mix a “Drink of the Day” that a fucking monkey could come up with. “Disaronno and cranberry juice… Ta-da!!!” Oh how fucking innovative, thanks for nothing.
-I know that I should probably have some highly controversial, sagacious thoughts on the elections but I don’t. Swing state, swing vote, swing set, stwing cheese… it’s all the same to me. I get my news from the newsfeed on Facebook and I get the weather by sticking my hand out the window so I wouldn’t trust myself to make any kind of an informed commentary. However I do trust myself enough to know when things change… and uh, they haven’t. Just sayin’.
-I'm so excited it's almost glove season! I love gloves, with fingers, without fingers… gloves are awesome unless they do this… then it's time to get yourself some new gloves.
-Sometimes I forget about some of the shit I write, I have not forgotten how much I can’t stand Jamie Lee Curtis, with her stupid face and her stupid haircut and her fantastical bowels.
-And lastly, in my music world I've had The Virgins on repeat. Have a listen!
2 comments:
I have had a horrible day and this just made me smile! I always read your blogs, you have a real talent in writing my dear! :)
I just stumbled across your blog while searching "I hate the disaronno commercial". You are hilarious! And, seriously, who decided that those commercials were a good marketing concept?? It's not rocket science to figure out how to make a disaronno on the rocks!
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