This Is Your Brain, This Is Your Brain On Charlie Sheen

As I'm sure the rest of "Middle America" did, I too Tivo'd and watched the Charlie Sheen interview on 20/20 last night (twice.) I'm sure this train wreck will stop being such a spectacle in a couple of days but right now its just too fucking hard to turn my head. That being said, I'm about 30 IQ points up since last night's episode, here's what I learned...

-One must be extremely cautious when taking the new designer drug known as 'Charlie Sheen' (insert jazz hands.)  If you try it once you will die, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. It’s supposed to be awwwesome!

-There really are droopy eyed armless children out there.

-While I was mistaking Charlie's brain for ate up, it turns out its just a “highly evolved brain.” Ah, that makes more sense.
-Chuck Sheen does in fact have tiger blood and Adonis DNA, I Googled it, duh.
-Tiger Blood + Adonis DNA = Magic
-Magic = Winning
-Hookers accept credit cards.
-The devil takes Ambien instead of Asprin.
-You can drink water through your eyes.
-"It’s on" ...always.

-The cure to everything is to simply close your eyes and change your brain, duh.

-If Charlie really likes you he will hug you and rub your head.
-The set of Two and a Half Men smells of chicken pot pie.
-Charlie Sheen doesn't sue for cash, he sues for gold and toupees... by the ton.
-Chuck's brain fires in a way that is maybe not part of this particular terrestrial realm. I knew it!

Observations:
-Mel Gibson reached out to help Charlie Sheen. Oh good, there is hope... NOT! Two cracked out, prejudice, bi-winners... talk about the epitome of the blind leading the blind.
-Hot Shots Part Deux was never mentioned during this interview proving this flick is too often overlooked and highly underestimated.
-Charlie Sheen recycles; he reuses his plastic water bottles... as ash trays.

Final Thought: Who would win in a thumb war, Chuck Sheen or Chuck Norris?

 

 

This is your brain on Charlie Sheen



 

"Dying's for fools" -Charlie Sheen

WARNING: Charlie Sheen will self-destruct in 3... 2...

lylys

STATUS: Denied

Bilal, its a shame we couldn't make this friendship work because your name is really fun to say.

lylys

Hodge-Podge Reality Doo-Wop Compilation Blog Remix

I haven’t blogged in some time because suddenly my life has gotten crazy busy and by that I mean someone finally let me have a job and I’ve been working instead of waking up, overdosing on coffee with Reg and Kel and blogging. If you’re wondering what I do I’m in the financial industry by day and I moonlight as a volunteer firefighter most nights. Keeps me on my toes. Anyhoo, between managing people’s wealth and being a hero I’ve hardly had the time to squeeze in any writing, plus Christmas is in 46 days so I’ve been working diligently on my wish list. But I’ve had a lot to say so with that, I’ve decided to leave you with the small, profound thoughts that have been rattling around up there the last few weeks.

-First I'd like to have a word with you, Mr. Favre.

The last couple weeks have been the finest display of karma I have ever personally had the opportunity to witness. You’ve been playing like garbage and I am entirely convinced it’s due to your own documentation of yourself WEARING CROCS! Geeezus, get some new shoes, guy! And to make matters worse you rocked socks with the Crocs? Favre, where the fuck was your wife when you were getting dressed? And just when I think it can’t get any worse, I find out that this is your masturbation outfit. Whaaaa?!

Listen, I’m mildly impressed that you have been able to keep your perversion under wraps your entire career and even more impressed that no one has outted you for sporting that ridiculous footwear. However, it takes a special kind of stupid to capture a photograph of yourself committing any one of the three aforementioned offenses let alone all three at the same time. And shit bro, this is the outfit you chose to wear when sending said photograph to a babe?  …Get real old man, no one wants to see your old Crocs OR your old cock… retire already, I’m bored.

-Why is the McRib a limited time only?  How do they run out of fake ribs?  Aren’t those things just mass produced from a little meat cookie cutter anyway?  There’s something strange about a piece of meat that has the illusion of having bones in it but doesn’t actually have bones.  At any rate the McRib marketing ploys and all the hype surrounding this elusive sandwich has got me super intrigued … there’s a possibility I will try one this time around, I mean it is a limited time only and all.  Should this happen, the experience  will be fully documented, recorded and reported on. 

-There are 2 commercials that have been irritating the shit out of me as of late.  First up are the Old Navy commercials which no doubt are notorious for being fuckin’ dumb; but has this two-bit retail conglomerate gotten so cheap and lazy that they don’t even use real humans in their commercials anymore?  Mannequins!? Fuck, that’s annoying.  The second ridiculous commercial is the Disaronno commercial teaching me how to mix a “Drink of the Day” that a fucking monkey could come up with.  “Disaronno and cranberry juice… Ta-da!!!”  Oh how fucking innovative, thanks for nothing. 

-I know that I should probably have some highly controversial, sagacious thoughts on the elections but I don’t. Swing state, swing vote, swing set, stwing cheese… it’s all the same to me. I get my news from the newsfeed on Facebook and I get the weather by sticking my hand out the window so I wouldn’t trust myself to make any kind of an informed commentary. However I do trust myself enough to know when things change… and uh, they haven’t. Just sayin’.

-I'm so excited it's almost glove season!  I love gloves, with fingers, without fingers… gloves are awesome unless they do this… then it's time to get yourself some new gloves.

-Sometimes I forget about some of the shit I write, I have not forgotten how much I can’t stand Jamie Lee Curtis, with her stupid face and her stupid haircut and her fantastical bowels. 

Remembering Bathroom Confessions : CLICK HERE

-And lastly, in my music world I've had The Virgins on repeat.  Have a listen!

The Virgins by littlelinds


love you, love your shoes

Bathroom Confessions?

Dear Jamie Lee Curtis,

I applaud your ability and appreciate your candor to speak freely about your bowel movements (or lack thereof.) However, with all due respect, you do get paid to do so. I have a hard time understanding your audacity to ask other members of the general public to “film themselves taking the Activia Challenge,” especially for no compensation whatsoever, not even a year's supply of the probiotic miracle you endorse.

I would find it a personal struggle to do a commercial for a feminine hygiene product, even more so an embarrassing Valtrex ad, or perhaps an awkward KY commercial; but for the right price, I could most likely be convinced. But Jamie Lee, you are asking innocent, constipated commoners to document their stifling fecal problems for the benefit of a YOGURT company? And for FREE? Really Jamie, really?

And to those few willing participants, if you’re really that impressed with your new-found “freedom,” write a fucking letter for crying out loud!  You're probably irregular because you're stressed out about being a MORON all the time.  Stop taping yourselves in the bathroom!  The toilet is not a confessional, people!  If you think this is your five minutes of fame you're sadly mistaken. Your "five minutes of fame" just made you the laughing stock of the entire, "regular" free world!  I'm embarrassed for you!  Listen, no one gives a shit that you eat some "tasty" yogurt on the daily and now you’re taking deuces left and right… and when I say nobody, I mean NOBODY!   Think about it!

Personally, I prefer my yogurt not to be engineered in a laboratory, probably somewhere in Stockholm, that was most likely tested on animals. Just give me a fucking parfait and call it a day. I’ll go when I have to go and I sure as shit ain’t telling YOU all about it!

Click here to view the REAL clowns who documented their REAL stories

lylys