I'm The Boss Applesauce - Take 2

I have what doctors like to call “a little bit of a wait problem.”  I wait way too long between blogs.  High fives and apologies all around.  At least I’m aware of the problem and I promise you I am addressing this issue with my medical staff. But per usual, I’ve been really fucking busy... seriously.  I've recently learned that I’m a rather exceptional juggler, magician and fortune teller so I have been practicing my skills, inventing new tricks and teaching them to the likes of Criss Angel, and little ones at the children's hospital.  And if you think juggling flaming scorpions (not gay scorpions, scorpions on fire) is tricky, try juggling Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Instagram, Spotify, Tumbler and a fake J-Date profile.  Oooor maybe I’m just a sandbagging son of a bitch, I'll never tell?  Either way, here I am with a bag full of magic, a shoebox full of scorpions, a pocket full of life advice, a teensy glimpse into the future of bacon and a little production I’ve put together to prove to you that I do exist outside of the world wide web and I really am a busy-ass lady.  Enjoy!

• Stay out of tanning beds, they are like mid-sized spaceships to planet Melanoma.
• If you're in yoga class and someone cuts one, the polite thing to say to them is, "Namaste."  Be sure you make eye contact.
• The smartest man in the world will own a pig farm. He will then start an LLC under the company name, Kevin. He will then murder his piggies and sell bacon. He will become a multimillion dollar conglomerate all from Kevin Bacon. That is the real mother fucker who will bring home the bacon.
• If the NuvaRing marketing team was smart, 'Single Ladies' would be their theme song. “If you like it than you shoulda put a ring on it” ...by "it" I mean your cervix. I mean what kind of a prick doesn’t like a good cervix?
• If you ever get in trouble at work just say, "Oh, the press is gonna have a field day with this."  Typically everyone just backs right the fuck off.
• There is simply no way to trust the kind of person who puts the toilet paper roll on to roll under.  If you meet one, run like the wind!
• If you have a baby and it’s being an asshole in public, you’re a bigger asshole for not removing it from public and now we know where your baby gets it from, Asshole.
• Money is the root of all evil, money and Taylor Swift.
• If ever you are feeling blue, just remind yourself that DiGiorno now comes with chicky wangs and all is right in the world again.
• There is no problem, emotional or otherwise, that can’t be fixed with blueberry vodka, cheeseburgers or a proper back scratching.
• If you ever meet a dog in a sweater and it’s acting like a dick, don’t be mad at the dog.
• Oh, and like don't drive faster than your legal guardian can fly. Also, nobody likes watching you dance and when life hands you lemons save em for a rainy day... or something along those lines.
• Oh and also also, I just found out that Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite (lil dick, lil chick.)  Figures.

And here’s what I’ve been up to… pretty much no good... but sooooo good. 

The Kansas City Shuffle

That is all, carry on.
lylys

I'm The Boss, Applesauce

It’s no secret that I possess an overwhelming wealth of knowledge and wisdom. So much so that it would be deemed unfair and unjust not to share with the general public what I believe to be some of life’s secrets, a few rules to live by and also some basic hard hitting facts. I have no doubt that one day, when you’re having an in depth conversation with Alex Trebek, ordering a $5 Footlong, or saving a kitten from a burning building, something you have read in this post will come in handy, thus making me your hero. Take notes, make use of that hi-liter, stick a copy in your wallet, whatever you gotta do, this will probably be the most important thing you’ve read since that book where Lennie pets the bunny (I just rented the movie, I never read it. But you know, good for you if you did.) Anyhoo, without further ado… you’re welcome.

• You should never be ordering a Ham and Cheese sandwich. It’s always a Hard as a Mother Fucker and Cheese sandwich. Write that down.
• If your mission in life is to become a Police Officer: ABORT MISSION, dick.
• If you’re saying “I’m on a boat,” and you’re leaving out “mother fucker take a look at me,” and you’re not wearing a mother fucking afghan, you’re doing it wrong. And totally missing the point.
• There are no male mermaids (or mermen,) there are only females and transgender mermaids. This is because cock and balls are a totally unflattering bulge and quite uncomfortable in that tight outfit.
• Ladies, boys in bow-ties are like neatly wrapped presents that smell good, just for you. Open them.
• It is every human’s Earthly duty to adopt at least 3 kittens and give them to homeless people.
• If you’re over the age of 12 and listen to any one of Justin Bieber’s songs, I hope you’re listening to them from your Special Ed class.
• The answer to world peace is for everyone to shut the fuck up, mind their own bee’s wax and enjoy their pancakes.
• The name John is sold out. No one can ever name their kid John again.
• It is important to use deodorant every day even if you are a baby; actually, especially if you are a baby. Babies, use deodorant!
• In 2002 Whitney Houston predicted the demise of Charlie Sheen thus proving two wrongs do make a right.
• Dogs are not man’s best friend. I won’t tell you what is, but here’s a hint: it rhymes with ‘pagina.’
• My daddy got me a unicorn for my 6th birthday. I named her Spike and she was a lesbian. When she died we buried her under our Willow tree in the backyard and overnight it turned into a Pussy Willow. And that’s how the Pussy Willow was invented.
• A Pegasus is just a Unicorn who drinks Red Bull, it’s cheaper just to buy a Unicorn and some Red Bull.
• When faced with some of life’s toughest decisions it’s always best to get drunk and flip a coin. Everyone is always luckier when they’re drunk, trust me.
• There are like 11 things essential for life on Earth; oxygen, coffee, champagne, cheese burgers, vodka, bubblegum, sex, Egyptian cotton, house music, kittens and sunshine. If you have to opt out of 1, choose oxygen.
• When faced with the challenge of writing your Facebook status, stay calm, focus, take 5 deep breaths, I know this is one of the hardest things you’ll do all day. Pay very close attention to your use of 1st and 3rd person. Often people forget who they are halfway through their one fucking sentence!
• If you can sit in the car for the entirety of Katie Perry’s Firework song without attempting to leap from the moving vehicle or rip your weave straight from your scalp, congratulations you have officially lost your hearing and you never have to hear that song again.
• If you ever have a kid and your kid wants a cat, never get your kid a black cat. And don’t name it Whoopie. Just trust me on this.
• Donuts are good for the soul. Also, a donut a day keeps the boys away. Feed your soul wisely.
• If you make friends with a Ninja, or a turtle, or a Ninja Turtle you are making a giant leap for mankind, but I suggest you start with the turtle.

I love Kevin Bacon.

To be continued... lylys

Hodge-Podge Reality Doo-Wop Compilation Blog Remix

I haven’t blogged in some time because suddenly my life has gotten crazy busy and by that I mean someone finally let me have a job and I’ve been working instead of waking up, overdosing on coffee with Reg and Kel and blogging. If you’re wondering what I do I’m in the financial industry by day and I moonlight as a volunteer firefighter most nights. Keeps me on my toes. Anyhoo, between managing people’s wealth and being a hero I’ve hardly had the time to squeeze in any writing, plus Christmas is in 46 days so I’ve been working diligently on my wish list. But I’ve had a lot to say so with that, I’ve decided to leave you with the small, profound thoughts that have been rattling around up there the last few weeks.

-First I'd like to have a word with you, Mr. Favre.

The last couple weeks have been the finest display of karma I have ever personally had the opportunity to witness. You’ve been playing like garbage and I am entirely convinced it’s due to your own documentation of yourself WEARING CROCS! Geeezus, get some new shoes, guy! And to make matters worse you rocked socks with the Crocs? Favre, where the fuck was your wife when you were getting dressed? And just when I think it can’t get any worse, I find out that this is your masturbation outfit. Whaaaa?!

Listen, I’m mildly impressed that you have been able to keep your perversion under wraps your entire career and even more impressed that no one has outted you for sporting that ridiculous footwear. However, it takes a special kind of stupid to capture a photograph of yourself committing any one of the three aforementioned offenses let alone all three at the same time. And shit bro, this is the outfit you chose to wear when sending said photograph to a babe?  …Get real old man, no one wants to see your old Crocs OR your old cock… retire already, I’m bored.

-Why is the McRib a limited time only?  How do they run out of fake ribs?  Aren’t those things just mass produced from a little meat cookie cutter anyway?  There’s something strange about a piece of meat that has the illusion of having bones in it but doesn’t actually have bones.  At any rate the McRib marketing ploys and all the hype surrounding this elusive sandwich has got me super intrigued … there’s a possibility I will try one this time around, I mean it is a limited time only and all.  Should this happen, the experience  will be fully documented, recorded and reported on. 

-There are 2 commercials that have been irritating the shit out of me as of late.  First up are the Old Navy commercials which no doubt are notorious for being fuckin’ dumb; but has this two-bit retail conglomerate gotten so cheap and lazy that they don’t even use real humans in their commercials anymore?  Mannequins!? Fuck, that’s annoying.  The second ridiculous commercial is the Disaronno commercial teaching me how to mix a “Drink of the Day” that a fucking monkey could come up with.  “Disaronno and cranberry juice… Ta-da!!!”  Oh how fucking innovative, thanks for nothing. 

-I know that I should probably have some highly controversial, sagacious thoughts on the elections but I don’t. Swing state, swing vote, swing set, stwing cheese… it’s all the same to me. I get my news from the newsfeed on Facebook and I get the weather by sticking my hand out the window so I wouldn’t trust myself to make any kind of an informed commentary. However I do trust myself enough to know when things change… and uh, they haven’t. Just sayin’.

-I'm so excited it's almost glove season!  I love gloves, with fingers, without fingers… gloves are awesome unless they do this… then it's time to get yourself some new gloves.

-Sometimes I forget about some of the shit I write, I have not forgotten how much I can’t stand Jamie Lee Curtis, with her stupid face and her stupid haircut and her fantastical bowels. 

Remembering Bathroom Confessions : CLICK HERE

-And lastly, in my music world I've had The Virgins on repeat.  Have a listen!

The Virgins by littlelinds


love you, love your shoes

Ell Oh Well

LOL- Lets talk about this. Certainly I’m not the only one here who believes that this is the most overused, most misused, most heinous abbreviation between here and Uranus.

The overuse of the LOL has become an epidemic. It’s like people’s fingertips are stuck on repeat, after every absurd sentence they type or text they have to follow up with an LOL as if it were a period. The only people that LOL as much as you claim to, are Tickle Me Elmo and a live studio audience. It’s unnatural and you’re crying wolf, you Ding Dong! If it’s all LOL’s with you, how’s someone going to know when you really think something’s funny. C’mon man, break the mold, say “Ha Ha!” or “That’s funny.” The fact that there’s more than 3 letters in there might make you stop and think if it’s really that funny, if it even deserves a reactive response. 

More than the overuse of the LOL, it’s the misuse that gets me. Perhaps the most perturbing part is that I know that you are not fucking LOLing. Nope, you are not laughing out loud all by your lonesome. Don’t try to play me for a fool, fool! I know that you are not sitting in your cubicle, or standing in line at Arby’s or doing your court-ordered community service laughing out loud. There’s just no fucking way! You are a LIAR! I don’t like liars.

Then there are three types of LOLers that really ruffle my feathers. The people that say LOL after something they wrote that they think is funny. Well pat yourself on the back why don’t ya, you big egotistical bastard! Don’t you know you’re not supposed to laugh at your own jokes, it totally takes the funny out, dummy! LOL becomes particularly ridiculous verbiage if you are of the male gender. For you, a simple “Ha” will suffice. What’s masculine about “I’m walking into the gym LOL. Arms and back today LOL. Call ya later babe LOL.” Ummm… NOTHING! Nothing bro, there’s absolutely NOTHING manly or masculine about LOL. Now I picture you in the locker room all giggly giggling with a bunch of naked men. Just don’t.  Lastly there's these people, "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL."  Oh... my... GAWD, control your frantic fingers you fucking spaz!  You are seriously freaking me out, it's like digital tourettes and it has to stop.  Thank you.

OMG, you ask? Oh, OMG away! OMG to your little hearts content. Just keep your LOL’s away from me!

HUH?

Whaaaaa???

Seeeeeee???  Ludicrous.

lylys

*note: my apologies for any offended LOLers, tough love.

Being A Chick Is Cool

I love being a girl, I really do. Over the years I’ve discovered an abundance of incredible perks to being a chick. Don’t fret, this is not about to be several feministic paragraphs that make you want to barf all over your new shoes. I just like my chromosomes for some magnificently petty reasons and I would like to share a couple, no big.
I’d have to say one of the biggest perks about being a broad is the opportunity to carry a purse, by far one of the greatest things that a girl can have. I’m almost positive the purse was invented by a really hungry gal because I’m certain the purse’s original function was to serve as a convenient hiding place for snacks. The size of my purse is directly related to how hungry I am. A purse is also a powerful weapon. I’ve been in a few impervious street fights in my day where I have had to punish some pretty hard core ninjas and my bag was the sole reason for my victories. The purse also serves as a magical “in case of emergency” goody bag. I have things in my purse that could turn me into MacGyver in two shakes of a little lamb’s tail. You just never know when a monocle, a Thigh Master, Mexican Jumping Beans and a stick of dynamite are gonna come in handy.
Another stupendous thing about being a lady is the option to change your entire fucking identity with make up. I could literally go into the witness protection program in an hour without changing anything but my name and my eyeshadow, literally. And when a dude gets a zit, his only option is to commit himself to solitary confinement and splatter Noxema all over his face; when I get a blemish, that is a confidentiality agreement between me and my concealer that has never been breached. See? Fucking rocks being a chick!
Know what else is great about having a hoo ha?  It means I have options. I can choose to be the 5’ 2” short stack that I am (and I like it down here,) or be anywhere between 1 to 6 inches higher up. You catch a bro with options like that you better hope you’re at Barnum and Baily’s.
Really, the only thing I think dudes have that are cooler then girls are those short cut underwear, ya know the one’s with a slide to the side that allows for quicker urination. Not that I would choose to wear underwear like that if they made them for females, but just knowing I have the option would be nice.

Deep thoughts today. lylys