The Kitty Cat Conspiracy

Six months ago my cat, Socks, was murdered. One, beautiful, spring morning in April, Socks went out to play. Weeks went by, spring turning into summer, Socks yet to return. I just thought he was having a lot of fun until finally I came face to face with reality, he wasn’t coming back. Socks the Cat had in fact been murdered. Socks was a good cat, loyal and loving, soft and furry just a like a cat should be. Socks survived nineteen years on these tough suburban streets. Dodging cyclists and minivans, surviving rabid neighborhood children attacks and fending off ferocious poodles, this cat was no pussy. And it’s no accident that he never came home on that cool April day, a day that will forever live in infamy.

I’ve filed a police report and they’ve done little to nothing to pursue the investigation of my cat’s untimely death stating that they “have bigger fish to fry.” Fuckin’ slackers. So, I’ve decided it’s time I take this serious matter into my own hands. I have every intention of punishing the crime syndicate responsible for the death of my feline friend and I’m going to personally inflict fiery justice on Socks’ assailants.

I realize I have no real experience in pursuing merciless revenge but I have a plan. I will probably start taking some sort of mixed martial arts classes after work.  I got a coupon in the mail from the Dojo up the street from my house so I'll just go there. I’m going to need lots of protein bars and some new sneakers too. And I’m definitely going to get myself a mentor, someone to teach me discipline. I’m thinking a rather small, elderly gentleman, one who possesses the qualities of a wizard. I wonder if I could find one online, like a mail-order Mr. Miyagi of sorts? I’ll try Craig’s List.

Anyhoo, when I am fully trained, primed and ready, equipped with a black leotard and pepper spray, I will go into the night to avenge the death of Socks the Cat. I will fight evil men until I get to the asshole responsible for ordering the hit on that beloved furr factory. Socks will finally be able to rest in an eternity of peace that he so richly deserves and I will be able to rest easy at last knowing that justice was served and sweet, sweet vengeance was mine.

Tonight, pour one for my homie, Socks the Cat.
lylys